Tips and Tricks for Living With an Opinionated Woman

Do you find yourself living with an opinionated woman? Do you spend hours at a time in hiding because you don't want to set them off, lest you be subjected to a marathon of all the ways they are always right? Never fear! As an opinionated woman myself, I'm here to teach you how to cope with living with us, in ways that won't leave you reaching for the vodka! (Note: I do not condone drinking to deal with an opinionated woman. That will just set us off more.)

So here I present to you:

April's Tips and Tricks for Living With an Opinionated Woman

• Don't worry so much about getting us started. There are usually quite a few safe topics that we have milder opinions on. Get to know us, find out what those are, and try to stick to them.
• However, educate yourself in one of our favored topics because every few days or so, we are going to give you our opinion on it whether you want it or not, and it's a lot easier on both parties if you can actually provide an educated response rather than a general “uh-huh, yeah, okay” and a furtive look at the liquor cabinet.
• Opinionated women should be allowed to blog. In fact, we need it to survive. Blogging is like crack to us. However, we should only be allowed to follow other opinionated people-makes for better discussion-and we shouldn't follow people who share our opinions because it makes things boring. What's a day without at least one fight over differing opinions?
• Be prepared, if we do blog, to hear quite a bit of cursing at the computer and angry key pounding. We do fight over differing opinions and we will make you listen. Again, do NOT respond with “uh-huh, yeah, okay” or any variation thereof, or we will turn our wrath on you.
• We require constant attention. Don't take us on if you aren't prepared for this. There will be times when we'll slam our laptops closed and come cry on your shoulder. In that case, it is acceptable to simply stroke our hair and tell us “of course you're right.” It may not be true, and we'll realize it later, but at that moment, it's what we need to hear.
• Be prepared to agree to disagree constantly, but also be aware of how rarely you'll hear those words come out of our mouths. Part of what makes us opinionated is a vehement desire to never concede our opinions, and “agree to disagree” is a damn cop-out.
• In the very rare event that we do admit we're wrong, do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT give in to the urge to throw a party or have a celebratory drink. That will just open up a whole new can of worms, and you do not want to go there.
• In the event that you choose to argue with us, make sure you can back up your shit. Don't, for instance, try to tell us that “Harry Potter is stupid because wizards” or “How can you like Emilie Autumn? Her music is for goth teenagers and she's lying about all the shit she's supposedly gone through.” Unless you can give me proof to your claims, it's better to keep your mouth shut. Doubly important when it comes to topics we're passionate about.
• Watch for triggers. A lot of us have certain things-be they a color, a bit of music, a quote-that will remind of our favored topics. If you act carefully, you might be able to steer us off-topic, but don't be obvious. If you sense a trigger coming, you're probably right. Just prepare for it.
• Speaking of triggers, there are certain topics that will set most of us off. Misogyny, misandry, sexual assault, self-harm, suicide...these are a few topics that will most likely set us off. Be careful what you say. We welcome your opinions, but do not stray into stupid shit like making light of sexual assault, or making misogynistic remarks.
• Speaking of misogyny, do not EVER speak the following phrase to her: “shut up, woman, and make me a damn sandwich”. That is a guaranteed ass-whooping. It's funny once in a while, as a joke, but you have to be VERY obvious that you're joking. And do not attempt when she's angry, because joking or not, she'll most likely claw your eyes out.
• Just because we have certain opinions on things does not mean we are not open to hearing other views. Someone who has their own opinions and refuses to listen to or consider others is not opinionated, just a flat out asshole. If you can prove our opinions wrong, we can be persuaded to change them.
• There will be times when you need to just shut the fuck up and get out of our way. You will learn to recognize cues for these times. These cues include but are not limited to: any variation on the phrase “Imma fuck a bitch up” or “Imma slap a ho”; removal of the earrings; sudden calm silence after a screaming fit; the casual sharpening of a dagger...
• Most importantly, learn to love us as we are. We are not going to change for you, so don't try to force us to. You'll be much happier if you just accept this, and things will be a lot smoother for you.

Of course, these may vary from woman to woman, but if you follow this basic survival guide, you should have little issue living with your opinionated woman.

Best of luck!